Sunday, October 7, 2012
Something I Learned Today
I just kinda started thinking about this while I was reading 'Looking For Alaska' by John Green. I really love his books.
If there is a person special and incredible enough that they are considered to be someone you love - hold on to them quickly and for as long as you can, and tell them exactly how you feel about them. There is no time for beating around the bush, for playing games and stringing people along, for hiding your feelings. People die in the most ordinary circumstances, whether they are a powerful presence or not. Whether they are a hurricane or a drizzle.
Death is not specific, and it does not pick and chose, you die when you die and unless you kill yourself (which is never an option) there is no way to dictate how or when that will be. It doesn't matter how you lived your life or what kind of people you'll leave behind, death will take you whenever and wherever it wants. One minute you could be kissing someone, the next you could be wiped from existence.
Death does not care who you'l leave behind or how much they will miss you, it will take you either way. You cannot live without leaving sentiments to the people you love, because the next time you blink, they could be gone. Living one instant, and never breathing another breath the next. There is no time to not speak your piece, there is no room for second guessing. There is only love, and life, and death. You have to live the first two to the best of your ability because you never know when the third will come.
There is no time for all we want to do. That is the curse of life and death. So with the time we do have, of it we must make the best and love and live with everything we have.
Life is like a butterfly; fleeting, fast, unique, and beautiful, and you don't understand just how special and gorgeous it is until it's gone.
I don't know, I was just thinking today about how unusual it is that someone could be so alive one minute and so...not alive the next. And the idea of not being alive and leaving loose ends and leaving people behind not knowing how much you loved them is a horrible idea to me.
xx~Emily
Falling In Love At A Coffee Shop - Landon Pigg
Sunday, September 30, 2012
September 30th, 2012
Yesterday was fun. Really, it was. I've been re-doing my room for a while, making it less girly and more sophisticated because I got tired of having purple and green walls. They're white and teal now.
Anyway, I designed my room myself and the back wall where my window is, across from the entry door, has been converted to a big bookshelf wall. Well, one side of the window anyway. Just beneath the window there will be a window seat, and a bookshelf to the right and left of the window seat.
I spent a large majority of yesterday afternoon organizing my books and putting them in the bookshelf, which took a while. I don't have as many books as I thought I did, though. And in the middle of me putting my books away, Matt came over. He kept correcting me whenever I put a book in the wrong place. He's such a smartass sometimes, but I love him anyways.
Then, Matt and I went and saw Finding Nemo in 3D. I've never seen a 3-D movie before, it's pretty fantastic. I jumped twice, I think, during the previews because I wasn't used to things popping out. Before the movie we ate dinner at Wendy's and discussed the possibility of making hamburgers from human body parts. It was kinda a running joke because by the order counter, they had wooden display windows that you could tell folded out because they had hinges at the bottom. Matt looked at them and commented that they were kinda weird, so I replied "Yes, because that's where they hide the bodies." He pointed to the bottom compartments, which were separate squares, and said that's where the heads went, and the bodies went in the long rectangular one at the top. I agreed and told him that the hamburgers were best made out of fingers, but leg stumps worked as well.
After the movie we went back to my house, which was at, like 10 or so, and watched last week's Doctor Who episode. I always love watching things at my house on my couch, that's when I can put my head on his shoulder. I've been dating him for almost 7 months and I just now started putting my head on his shoulder. It took me a while to get him slowly warmed up to the idea. The first time he came over to my house he sat on the opposite end of the couch as me and wouldn't get near me. Then over the next few times he came over, he got closer and closer and eventually he got to where he'd sit right beside me, and then I slowly started leaning closer to him so he'd get accustomed to it, and then one night I just said "Tell me if this bugs you" and I put my head on his shoulder. He didn't say a word and I've been doing it ever since. He's always warm and has amazing shoulders, if that makes sense. You know how some people have really bony shoulders? He doesn't. And, pardon me if this sounds really creepy, but he smells amazing. He always has. It makes my head kinda swim whenever I get too close to him. That's one of the four things I love about people, male or female since I can go either way. I love eyes, hands, collarbones, and the way they smell. Don't ask, I know I have weird tastes.
Matt has amazing eyes. He always complains about how his eyelashes are too long, and they are really really long, but I like them. He has stormy blue-gray eyes that are just fantastic looking. I dunno, I could talk for hours about the finer points of his face, or the way he can't keep his legs still and he's always shaking one of them, or the way he face looks while he's concentrating on something. Or his smile that just kills me, especially when something I say is the reason he's smiling. He has this loud, obnoxious laugh that is the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life.
I have this little test for people that I think I like, I kinda got it from 'How I Met Your Mother,' but it is a really effective test. It's called the 'Front Porch Test,' where you imagine how that person fits in with the fantasy of sitting on your front porch with the people you love when you're older. Matt fits right into that picture.
You know what's scary, though? Zackey doesn't. At least not recently he doesn't. I can't picture him on that porch. He's...drifting. I know I've said that before and I turned out to be completely wrong, but it's really making sense this time. He barely talks to me, and compared to how little he talked to me before, it's practically not at all now. He even said the other day that he only talks to four people. Guess what, I wasn't on the list. He said to me once recently that he was trying to meet new people because I was spending too much time with Matt. But what he doesn't understand is that I was spending that much time with Matt because he was pushing me away. He has been for a while now. Slowly, subtly, but I can see it now. He only talks to me when he's upset. I thought he was my best friend, but he's just like everyone else. He only wants me around when I have something to offer him, usually comfort. He only wants me there when he's upset and when he's done feeling upset he pushes me back into the wings to wait for whenever he needs me again. I feel like he's lying to me all the time now, too. He keeps telling me I'm his best friend and I'm so important to him but then he just doesn't even act like it all. He tells everyone else so many things, but he doesn't tell me anything. And he's so lovey and hug-y to the people around him in the morning at school, and then he just kinda looks at me, tells me hello, and then turns his back to me and starts talking to someone else.
I came to the realisation a long time ago that he's only my friend for convenience. I kept telling myself that that couldn't be it, he wouldn't be that selfish, but I feel like it's true now. Like he's only my friend because I'm the only person in this town that doesn't hurt him or doesn't leave him, but he'd much rather be friends with anyone else, which is why he talks to people from the Internet over Skype more than he talks to me, because I'm only here for convenience. Like a dog that you call into the house to lick your tears away when you're sad, but when the tears are gone you send him back outside to be alone, then you call him back when you need him again, and then you send him away. And that dog, because he's loyal and trustworthy, he always comes back. Always.
I'm so tired of being that dog. Sure, someone might find the loyal-ness and trustworthiness admirable, but it sucks when you are the dog. Sure, the person that owns the dog and keeps calling them back into the house might appreciate that the dog's there, but they don't really care. They wouldn't send the dog back outside if they really cared. They just want the dog to make the tears go away and that's all the dog is good for.
I'm so tired of that being how I live my life. That's why I spend most of my time with Matt. Because Zackey pushed me away and because Matt doesn't send me away. Matt's the kind of person who doesn't even need the dog, but he keeps it in the house all the time, just because that's who Matt is. He's genuine and he's not selfish. He doesn't tell people what they want to hear, he tells them what he's thinking. And he rarely gives out compliments or says or does anything cute, so when he does it, you know it's genuine.
Zackey thinks I'm happier with Matt, and in some ways I am. Matt doesn't hurt me the way Zackey does. Matt does in his own way, the way that I'm a hopeless romantic and it kills me to keep it locked up inside me because he doesn't feel the same way, but that's not his fault. He's just not that kind of person.
Zackey, on the other hand, has a habit of inadvertently making me feel worthless and unwanted and used. But what he doesn't understand is that, just like that dog, I always come back. And I always will. Because I care. I will always care. He might think I'm better off with just Matt, and maybe I am in some ways, but Matt isn't my best friend. He's my boyfriend and he's the person I love, but he's not my best friend. Zackey is. Zackey always will be. He's the person who I cry in front of because I refuse to cry in front of anyone else and he's the person I can talk to about anything and anyone any time I want, unless he's not replying or not talking to me, which he has a habit of doing all the time. And it sucks being me right now because I have no one else. Zackey is my only friend, he's my best friend, and he's the only person I need, but he's not there for me. He's not here for me at all. He's not Matt, and Matt's not him, Those are two different, exclusive relationships with different perks and different downfalls.
What suck even more is that I know I'm that damn dog. And just like that dog, it hurts being sent away and being used and I know that's happening to me, but I keep coming back anyways because I care too much. And I'm sitting here alone in my room crying all by myself and I have no one to go to. I can't go to Matt because he wouldn't understand and he's pretty shit at comforting because he doesn't doesn't relate to people. He asks when something's wrong and I think it's so sweet. But I always tell him nothing because pretty much anything that's wrong with me would take lots of back stories and it takes too long to tell and I can't let him see how broken I am. He wouldn't understand what to do with that information. And I can't tell Zackey because he's the problem and he has his own problems and I don't even know whether he'd even care or not.
Zackey acts like the world's out to get him but what he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is full of people who care too much about him and he has a habit of being an asshole to them. And he'll sit there and tell you he's a jackass and he's a douche or whatever. But talk is cheap, and if he can admit it, he should be able to just stop acting like it if he knows he's like that, right? Right. But he doesn't. It's like he's happy being that way and he's happy pushing people away and he's happy being miserable because he makes himself that way.
He's told me before that I've saved his life and he'll rant to me every once in a while that I'm his best friend and he loves me and he cares and whatever else he says. And it means so much to me, but those comments don't mean much if he goes back to ignoring me and pushing me away the next day. Sorry to use the dog metaphor again, but it works in this situation. You give the dog a treat sometimes, and that makes them the happiest dog in the world and it means so much and they start to think that maybe this time it will be different, maybe you won't send the dog outside again and maybe you'll keep him in the house and maybe he's finally found his best friend and maybe, maybe, maybe. But then you give the dog his treat and you-cand anyone guess where this is going?-you send him back outside. You give him the treat to make him happy and you give him a false sense of security and then you just send him back outside again.
I just. I don't know what to do and I'm so done. Most people's problems these days are that they don't care enough about the people around them. I care too much. And it sucks. Trust me when I tell you how much it sucks. It's a pain in the ass and it makes me cry and it makes me clingy and I just-I can't even put into words how much it hurts being the way I am and knowing no one will ever care the way I do. And I'm not going to sit here and complain like a drama queen the way I know I tend to do and I'm not going to sit here and tell you how much my life sucks and blah blah blah. I told you I was doing better and I am, but I'm just so tired of this.
xx~Emily
Marry Me - Train
Anyway, I designed my room myself and the back wall where my window is, across from the entry door, has been converted to a big bookshelf wall. Well, one side of the window anyway. Just beneath the window there will be a window seat, and a bookshelf to the right and left of the window seat.
I spent a large majority of yesterday afternoon organizing my books and putting them in the bookshelf, which took a while. I don't have as many books as I thought I did, though. And in the middle of me putting my books away, Matt came over. He kept correcting me whenever I put a book in the wrong place. He's such a smartass sometimes, but I love him anyways.
Then, Matt and I went and saw Finding Nemo in 3D. I've never seen a 3-D movie before, it's pretty fantastic. I jumped twice, I think, during the previews because I wasn't used to things popping out. Before the movie we ate dinner at Wendy's and discussed the possibility of making hamburgers from human body parts. It was kinda a running joke because by the order counter, they had wooden display windows that you could tell folded out because they had hinges at the bottom. Matt looked at them and commented that they were kinda weird, so I replied "Yes, because that's where they hide the bodies." He pointed to the bottom compartments, which were separate squares, and said that's where the heads went, and the bodies went in the long rectangular one at the top. I agreed and told him that the hamburgers were best made out of fingers, but leg stumps worked as well.
After the movie we went back to my house, which was at, like 10 or so, and watched last week's Doctor Who episode. I always love watching things at my house on my couch, that's when I can put my head on his shoulder. I've been dating him for almost 7 months and I just now started putting my head on his shoulder. It took me a while to get him slowly warmed up to the idea. The first time he came over to my house he sat on the opposite end of the couch as me and wouldn't get near me. Then over the next few times he came over, he got closer and closer and eventually he got to where he'd sit right beside me, and then I slowly started leaning closer to him so he'd get accustomed to it, and then one night I just said "Tell me if this bugs you" and I put my head on his shoulder. He didn't say a word and I've been doing it ever since. He's always warm and has amazing shoulders, if that makes sense. You know how some people have really bony shoulders? He doesn't. And, pardon me if this sounds really creepy, but he smells amazing. He always has. It makes my head kinda swim whenever I get too close to him. That's one of the four things I love about people, male or female since I can go either way. I love eyes, hands, collarbones, and the way they smell. Don't ask, I know I have weird tastes.
Matt has amazing eyes. He always complains about how his eyelashes are too long, and they are really really long, but I like them. He has stormy blue-gray eyes that are just fantastic looking. I dunno, I could talk for hours about the finer points of his face, or the way he can't keep his legs still and he's always shaking one of them, or the way he face looks while he's concentrating on something. Or his smile that just kills me, especially when something I say is the reason he's smiling. He has this loud, obnoxious laugh that is the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life.
I have this little test for people that I think I like, I kinda got it from 'How I Met Your Mother,' but it is a really effective test. It's called the 'Front Porch Test,' where you imagine how that person fits in with the fantasy of sitting on your front porch with the people you love when you're older. Matt fits right into that picture.
You know what's scary, though? Zackey doesn't. At least not recently he doesn't. I can't picture him on that porch. He's...drifting. I know I've said that before and I turned out to be completely wrong, but it's really making sense this time. He barely talks to me, and compared to how little he talked to me before, it's practically not at all now. He even said the other day that he only talks to four people. Guess what, I wasn't on the list. He said to me once recently that he was trying to meet new people because I was spending too much time with Matt. But what he doesn't understand is that I was spending that much time with Matt because he was pushing me away. He has been for a while now. Slowly, subtly, but I can see it now. He only talks to me when he's upset. I thought he was my best friend, but he's just like everyone else. He only wants me around when I have something to offer him, usually comfort. He only wants me there when he's upset and when he's done feeling upset he pushes me back into the wings to wait for whenever he needs me again. I feel like he's lying to me all the time now, too. He keeps telling me I'm his best friend and I'm so important to him but then he just doesn't even act like it all. He tells everyone else so many things, but he doesn't tell me anything. And he's so lovey and hug-y to the people around him in the morning at school, and then he just kinda looks at me, tells me hello, and then turns his back to me and starts talking to someone else.
I came to the realisation a long time ago that he's only my friend for convenience. I kept telling myself that that couldn't be it, he wouldn't be that selfish, but I feel like it's true now. Like he's only my friend because I'm the only person in this town that doesn't hurt him or doesn't leave him, but he'd much rather be friends with anyone else, which is why he talks to people from the Internet over Skype more than he talks to me, because I'm only here for convenience. Like a dog that you call into the house to lick your tears away when you're sad, but when the tears are gone you send him back outside to be alone, then you call him back when you need him again, and then you send him away. And that dog, because he's loyal and trustworthy, he always comes back. Always.
I'm so tired of being that dog. Sure, someone might find the loyal-ness and trustworthiness admirable, but it sucks when you are the dog. Sure, the person that owns the dog and keeps calling them back into the house might appreciate that the dog's there, but they don't really care. They wouldn't send the dog back outside if they really cared. They just want the dog to make the tears go away and that's all the dog is good for.
I'm so tired of that being how I live my life. That's why I spend most of my time with Matt. Because Zackey pushed me away and because Matt doesn't send me away. Matt's the kind of person who doesn't even need the dog, but he keeps it in the house all the time, just because that's who Matt is. He's genuine and he's not selfish. He doesn't tell people what they want to hear, he tells them what he's thinking. And he rarely gives out compliments or says or does anything cute, so when he does it, you know it's genuine.
Zackey thinks I'm happier with Matt, and in some ways I am. Matt doesn't hurt me the way Zackey does. Matt does in his own way, the way that I'm a hopeless romantic and it kills me to keep it locked up inside me because he doesn't feel the same way, but that's not his fault. He's just not that kind of person.
Zackey, on the other hand, has a habit of inadvertently making me feel worthless and unwanted and used. But what he doesn't understand is that, just like that dog, I always come back. And I always will. Because I care. I will always care. He might think I'm better off with just Matt, and maybe I am in some ways, but Matt isn't my best friend. He's my boyfriend and he's the person I love, but he's not my best friend. Zackey is. Zackey always will be. He's the person who I cry in front of because I refuse to cry in front of anyone else and he's the person I can talk to about anything and anyone any time I want, unless he's not replying or not talking to me, which he has a habit of doing all the time. And it sucks being me right now because I have no one else. Zackey is my only friend, he's my best friend, and he's the only person I need, but he's not there for me. He's not here for me at all. He's not Matt, and Matt's not him, Those are two different, exclusive relationships with different perks and different downfalls.
What suck even more is that I know I'm that damn dog. And just like that dog, it hurts being sent away and being used and I know that's happening to me, but I keep coming back anyways because I care too much. And I'm sitting here alone in my room crying all by myself and I have no one to go to. I can't go to Matt because he wouldn't understand and he's pretty shit at comforting because he doesn't doesn't relate to people. He asks when something's wrong and I think it's so sweet. But I always tell him nothing because pretty much anything that's wrong with me would take lots of back stories and it takes too long to tell and I can't let him see how broken I am. He wouldn't understand what to do with that information. And I can't tell Zackey because he's the problem and he has his own problems and I don't even know whether he'd even care or not.
Zackey acts like the world's out to get him but what he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is full of people who care too much about him and he has a habit of being an asshole to them. And he'll sit there and tell you he's a jackass and he's a douche or whatever. But talk is cheap, and if he can admit it, he should be able to just stop acting like it if he knows he's like that, right? Right. But he doesn't. It's like he's happy being that way and he's happy pushing people away and he's happy being miserable because he makes himself that way.
He's told me before that I've saved his life and he'll rant to me every once in a while that I'm his best friend and he loves me and he cares and whatever else he says. And it means so much to me, but those comments don't mean much if he goes back to ignoring me and pushing me away the next day. Sorry to use the dog metaphor again, but it works in this situation. You give the dog a treat sometimes, and that makes them the happiest dog in the world and it means so much and they start to think that maybe this time it will be different, maybe you won't send the dog outside again and maybe you'll keep him in the house and maybe he's finally found his best friend and maybe, maybe, maybe. But then you give the dog his treat and you-cand anyone guess where this is going?-you send him back outside. You give him the treat to make him happy and you give him a false sense of security and then you just send him back outside again.
I just. I don't know what to do and I'm so done. Most people's problems these days are that they don't care enough about the people around them. I care too much. And it sucks. Trust me when I tell you how much it sucks. It's a pain in the ass and it makes me cry and it makes me clingy and I just-I can't even put into words how much it hurts being the way I am and knowing no one will ever care the way I do. And I'm not going to sit here and complain like a drama queen the way I know I tend to do and I'm not going to sit here and tell you how much my life sucks and blah blah blah. I told you I was doing better and I am, but I'm just so tired of this.
xx~Emily
Marry Me - Train
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Let's Just Pretend I'm Starting Over
I completely let go of feeling anything for Zackey, he's nothing more than my best friend. I let go of all of that today, actually. It's liberating, letting go of something that you've stubbornly held on to for so long. I dipped back into the whole 'crying myself to sleep' thing recently, but it left as fast as it came. Matt and I are still dating, it's been a little over six months, closer to seven, and I can honestly tell you that I love him. I really do. I haven't told him, and I won't, I'm waiting for him to say it. But right now, he doesn't love me. He likes me enough to date me, but he doesn't love me. I'm not going to push him to love me or make him love me. He either doesn't and will someday, or maybe he never will. We'll see. I'm done worrying about things. I'm trying my best to stay calm now, so I don't get anxiety as much as I used to. I've been having anxiety problems lately. It makes my chest hurt really badly and sometimes I can't breathe. Anyway, I just thought I'd come in here and update, I think it's been long enough that I kinda needed to.
School thus far has been drama free, thank the Lord. I think Hunter and the bitch posse finally gave up the sad little obsession they had for screwing my life up. Which is just fantastic.
Oh, and not that Zackey's relationship statuses are important but he has a girlfriend named Bonnie who he dated before and they've been dating for 2 or 3 months now, I think. They say 'I love you' to each other and it's all very lovey and such. She's long distance as well.
xx~Emily
Save You- Simple Plan
School thus far has been drama free, thank the Lord. I think Hunter and the bitch posse finally gave up the sad little obsession they had for screwing my life up. Which is just fantastic.
Oh, and not that Zackey's relationship statuses are important but he has a girlfriend named Bonnie who he dated before and they've been dating for 2 or 3 months now, I think. They say 'I love you' to each other and it's all very lovey and such. She's long distance as well.
xx~Emily
Save You- Simple Plan
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Turnabout
'Ello bloggers, I haven't been around for a while, have I? Sorry about that. Really, I am. I just wanted to tell you that that happiness I said I had in the last post, where I hoped it would last a while? It did. I'm still dating Matt, and in 2 days it will be our 3 month anniversary. I still like Zackey, but honestly, it's nothing more than just a nagging feeling in the back of my brain every once in a while. I'm sure I could dig it up and I'd feel exactly the same way as I always have. But really, what would be the purpose in that?
Zackey and Dylan broke up. Zackey was devastated, and exactly a month ago, he finally moved on and got a different boyfriend named Dean. He lives in North Carolina, I believe. I like Dean more than I liked Dylan, Dylan was never my favorite person in the world. I'm happy for Zackey, I really am. Because it's not like I could date him now anyway, I have Matt.
I went to a dive-in movie with Matt yesterday. Actually, Matt and his parents, and that was the first time I was around his parents as his girlfriend. And his little brother got to have more than a 1-second conversation with me. He said he thinks I'm violent because of the feeling he gets around me. I just laughed and asked him 'Really?' I actually am kind of a violent person, but only to people that hurt the ones I love, or that I don't like.
Zackey really has become my best friend over the past year or so. He and Hunter's friendship finally dissolved. Zackey got tired of fighting with her every second, and he finally realised I was the better friend all along. He's apologised for not realising it before, and man, we're a power couple in a platonic way now. Kicking ass wherever we go. I have this feeling that this time, this friendship will last. Zackey's not going to walk away from me, and I'm not going to walk away from him.
My parents still fight, but I don't let it get to me anymore. What's the point? It's not as if my crying is going to help them.
I don't cry myself to sleep at night anymore, and the insecurities still barrage me, but I can ignore them, 'cause now I read fanfictions on my iPod until I'm tired enough to go to sleep, I don't just sit in the dark and let myself get assaulted.
It's summer now, of course, I've been out of school for...3 weeks, I think? It's been glorious. I haven't done much, actually, but I still love not having to go through classes. Because of Matt and Zackey I don't feel alone anymore, but I still dislike the drama that happened earlier this year because of Hunter and her new posse of bitches. I'm not going to get into that, though, it brings up negative feelings. Let's just say rumours, a trip to the principal, and lying was involved. Thank God I had Zackey and Matt through this, though. And it happened near the end of the school year, so it was easy to banish it from my mind. I haven't even thought about it until a few seconds ago.
So, anyways, life took a turn for the better, finally. I guess karma decided that I'd struggled long enough, so it handed me something to smile about. So if you feel depressed, or your ready to give up hope, take it from someone who knows, it really does get better.
~Emily
First To Know - Collectors Club
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I Give Up.
If you're worried I'm talking about life, don't be, I'm not.
I meant I give up on that thing I had going for Zackey, I can feel it fading. It'll always be there in some way, but I've found I'm so much more comfortable being his friend. And I give up letting everything bother me as much as it does, I need to just let it roll off my turtle shell and stay packed away. And not in the bottle I was talking about.
Sure, I'm still going to have weak moments when I'm alone, or when I just have too many feelings, but that system was flawed to begin with. It doesn't work. Besides that, I've found something that makes me happy. This boy, his name's Matt and I've liked him since 8th grade. I'm in 9th now, and last Monday he asked me out.
So yeah, I have a boyfriend. He's got this form of autism though, so he doesn't hold my hand or put his arm around me or anything, and yeah, that makes me sad sometimes, but I knew what I was getting myself into when I told him yes. To make up for the not really looking me in the eyes or no physical contact thing, he's sweet. And he's adorable. He's smart, smarter than me, and might be going away to a prestigious school next year, unfortunately. I'm happy for him, so very happy, but I've got that selfish part of me that wants to hold on and not let go. He asked me out in the cutest way too. It wasn't anything really special, but it made me feel nice. He walked up to me Monday morning and said "Emily, I have a question for you." And by this time, because as I've said, I've liked him for a while, I was curious and I had this little flare of hope inside me. And he looked down at the ground, then back up at me and said "It's taken me a lot of courage to ask you this." And I was mentally freaking out now, because I knew where this was going. Then he finished with "Will you go out with me?" And I smiled my best smile and I said, "Yes, I will." Then I walked over to Zackey and freaked out as quietly as possible.
I don't know if I told you this before, but my last boyfriend, Drake [not the really annoying one I've complained about before, a different one.] broke up with me because I refused to tell my parents because they would've made us break up anyways. Well, this time, I told my mom. And she was kinda mad at first, but then I threw the rule she told me in her face, that as long as I didn't go on a legit date with him I could 'date' him, and she dissolved into a smile and said, "Yeah, you're right." My dad likes him, a lot, but I didn't tell my dad because he's not important and he would freak out for no reason. My mom even said I shouldn't tell him. Just because you never know what his reaction will be to something. He's bipolar in this weird way where sometimes he just gets into weird moods.
Anyways, back to my boyfriend. I'm just comfortable around him, and he makes me smile and laugh and even though I don't get that physical contact that makes the butterflies in my stomach jump around, I still love being around him.
And it's almost spring, and I love spring, and the sun is bright, and I just don't see a reason why anything should be bothering me right now, so I'm not letting it.
Maybe this time my happiness will last longer than a second.
xx~Emily
All Of Your Love - Hellogoodbye
I meant I give up on that thing I had going for Zackey, I can feel it fading. It'll always be there in some way, but I've found I'm so much more comfortable being his friend. And I give up letting everything bother me as much as it does, I need to just let it roll off my turtle shell and stay packed away. And not in the bottle I was talking about.
Sure, I'm still going to have weak moments when I'm alone, or when I just have too many feelings, but that system was flawed to begin with. It doesn't work. Besides that, I've found something that makes me happy. This boy, his name's Matt and I've liked him since 8th grade. I'm in 9th now, and last Monday he asked me out.
So yeah, I have a boyfriend. He's got this form of autism though, so he doesn't hold my hand or put his arm around me or anything, and yeah, that makes me sad sometimes, but I knew what I was getting myself into when I told him yes. To make up for the not really looking me in the eyes or no physical contact thing, he's sweet. And he's adorable. He's smart, smarter than me, and might be going away to a prestigious school next year, unfortunately. I'm happy for him, so very happy, but I've got that selfish part of me that wants to hold on and not let go. He asked me out in the cutest way too. It wasn't anything really special, but it made me feel nice. He walked up to me Monday morning and said "Emily, I have a question for you." And by this time, because as I've said, I've liked him for a while, I was curious and I had this little flare of hope inside me. And he looked down at the ground, then back up at me and said "It's taken me a lot of courage to ask you this." And I was mentally freaking out now, because I knew where this was going. Then he finished with "Will you go out with me?" And I smiled my best smile and I said, "Yes, I will." Then I walked over to Zackey and freaked out as quietly as possible.
I don't know if I told you this before, but my last boyfriend, Drake [not the really annoying one I've complained about before, a different one.] broke up with me because I refused to tell my parents because they would've made us break up anyways. Well, this time, I told my mom. And she was kinda mad at first, but then I threw the rule she told me in her face, that as long as I didn't go on a legit date with him I could 'date' him, and she dissolved into a smile and said, "Yeah, you're right." My dad likes him, a lot, but I didn't tell my dad because he's not important and he would freak out for no reason. My mom even said I shouldn't tell him. Just because you never know what his reaction will be to something. He's bipolar in this weird way where sometimes he just gets into weird moods.
Anyways, back to my boyfriend. I'm just comfortable around him, and he makes me smile and laugh and even though I don't get that physical contact that makes the butterflies in my stomach jump around, I still love being around him.
And it's almost spring, and I love spring, and the sun is bright, and I just don't see a reason why anything should be bothering me right now, so I'm not letting it.
Maybe this time my happiness will last longer than a second.
xx~Emily
All Of Your Love - Hellogoodbye
Saturday, March 10, 2012
I Wonder.
I wonder if anyone's ever sat down. Just sat down and thought about the world around us like I have. Probably not. People don't seem to understand the thoughts that go through my head on a daily basis. They're conflicting and I can see why no one would even attempt to understand. One minute I'd be thinking about how horrible I feel for those children starving in third world countries, the next minute the dark part of my brain takes over and feeds me images of how it would feel to have their life in my hands. To strangle it off slowly. To be the one with a whole plate of food in front of me, and restrict it from the child, watch them starve, just to let humanity feel my wrath. And then I spend the next hour chastising myself and trying to understand what's wrong with me before the process starts all over again. I feel as if I'm spiraling into some dark abyss and I won't be able to climb my way out this time, considering no one seems apt to give me the ladder and help me up, no one cares enough to hold out their hand and pull me back up. They just watch from the ridge as I fall, in secret, hiding my every thought with a smile. Covering how many times a day I'd love to just rip off all my skin, remove my hair and my eyes and just start all over again. No one seems to realize the pain I carry in my eyes. I'm too young to feel this lonely and forgotten and bitter, and yet, I do.
On the controversial side of that argument, no one understands how much I care. How fitting I actually am to care for humanity, even when the dark side of my brain takes over. So many people seem to think that I'm just blatantly removed from my feelings, and they just don't realize that's only a front I put up. I'm such a good actress that sometimes I manage to convince myself I don't care. When in all actuality I struggle through my everyday life with a broken heart, one that I'm afraid just won't be fixed. Ever. I have this sense of loneliness that's so heavy that when I'm alone in my room at night, it crushes me. And that's when I allow myself to cry. If you've ever seen me cry, consider yourself lucky. I only cry in front of people when I'm so broken I can't take it anymore, when the bottle I keep my feelings in overflows. By myself I cry every day. But I can't let you see that, I can't let anyone see that. That's weakness. And I cannot allow myself to show weakness. That's when someone can come in and truly break me. And no one's done that yet. But I have this foreboding sense of fear that someday someone will. And my worst fear will be realized, I'll be broken beyond repair and stranded in a desolate wasteland of useless things. I'm already useless anyways, I have no talents. I don't really have any friends if you think about it. You're kidding yourself if you think Zackey's really my friend. If you think I'm really on his list of priorities. Dylan, Hunter, and Ashley come first, and so does Lauren, and Nicole, and the list just continues. So many people come before me it's not even effective to tell me I'm on the list. Maybe I am, but I'm not up there high enough to matter. I'm not on anyone's list.
I wonder if anyone has ever sat down and thought about me. Wondered what I think when I see them, wondered if I ever think about them. Because I do that every day, for every person I see throughout the monotonous hell hole I am forced to call life. They don't, of course, I'm just another face that blends into a crowd. Average. Forgotten. Lost. Replaced. Gone. Ugly. Fat. Horrible. Talentless. Unloved. Forever Alone. Lonely. Average. Forgotten. Lost. Replaced. Gone. Ugly. Horrible. Talentless. Unloved. Forever Alone. Lonely. The process just repeats itself all throughout my head when I'm awake, when I can't escape to my dreams where anything is possible and I look the way I wish I could. When I look into a mirror and don't see twelve thousand flaws. When in actuality, when I look in a mirror I see nothing but hatred as the tears slide down my face. If I could take a knife, and cut off my stomach, and cut off my face, and just watch myself bleed, I would. If I weren't such a goddamn coward, I would. If I weren't so hopelessly optimistic that something better will come along, I'd retreat into my kitchen, pick up the butcher knife, and end it right now. But I don't, because no matter how much I try to push myself down, suppress the thoughts, there's always some twisted hope that bubbles up in the midst of the hatred and screams <i>"You'll be okay. It'll get better."</i> <b>"No."<b> My brain screams, <b>"No it won't."</b> but the hope survives the constant lashing, and still screams in my times of horrid depression. Those times at night when I go to bed. That's why I'm afraid of the night, by the way. I'm afraid of the insecurities and memories it screams and throws at me. I'm afraid of the way it breaks me with its never ending darkness swallowing me up and drowning me slowly. I'm afraid that I'll survive the darkness and wake up in the morning. I'm afraid that I'll have to pick up the broken pieces of myself and carry them through yet another monotonous day.
I wonder if anyone's ever sat down and thought about the world like I do. Thought about all the hate and the suffering, and just wishing you could give them your life in return. Because I would. I'd give myself up for a random stranger. I'd let death sink its claws into me just to save the life of someone I don't know. Because I don't value myself, and I don't see why I'm alive. I have no purpose, no point. I'm as useless as a book without pages. Worthless. I wonder if anyone has ever cried sometimes, just thinking of the lives other people have to lead. I wonder if anyone's ever worried about having a house, or food like I have. Maybe not the food, because I've always had food. But the house. I had my house yanked out from underneath me when I was 8. I had my best friend taken away and my life torn away. All because of a bad business deal. I've had to worry about having enough money. Because no matter how hard my parents tried to hide it from me, I was far too intelligent. I always have been. I saw how we were living from paycheck to paycheck. I heard the relentless screaming downstairs as my parents fought about my father's drinking habits and money spending, and how we'd have money to pay rent after we lost the house. I felt the tears sliding down my face when I realized I'd have to give away my dog, and my room, and my farm where I raised sheep. People say sheep are ignorant animals, but trust me, when you've bottle fed one since birth and watched it grow, when you trained it to follow you around and sit with its head on your shoulder as you read to it, like I did, you'd see just how smart they are. I had to let go of my comfort for 8 years. Living just a few steps from my grandparents, living in a small one-road town where I knew everyone and my mom actually let me step outside at night. Where I live now isn't dangerous, trust me, it's just my mom's thought process. I gave up everything except my possessions. And even then I had to sell some of it because we didn't have room. And I moved into a little apartment for two years before I moved to wear I am now. I'm not going to complain about the apartment, it wasn't that bad, there were horses out beside me, and Zackey lives there now. The apartment itself wasn't what bugged me. It was the fact that I had to be there. That I was there instead of being home. And then I drove past my home one day, only to discover it occupied. The flowerbed ripped up by a chain link fence. The barn where I kept my sheep torn down, the dog pen ripped apart. My swing was gone and a pool consumed my old sheep lot. I talked to the kid that lived there, he went to the same school as me. My room, my old pink room with a gorgeous mural of a garden and horses that my mom took so much time to paint me, was painted over purple and they used it as a feeding room for their five dogs, who probably ripped up the rest of my house. The silence that overtook me when the kid told me that was deafening. I felt violated, and sometimes I still do whenever I drive past my house. Yeah, I still call it my house. In my opinion, I have two homes. The one where I live now, and the one that made me who I am today, the one that I grew up in. I know this probably seems pointless to you. Why do I care so much about a house? I just do. I care about the memories, and I care about the fact that I did not get to see my best friend live out his life because I had to give him away. He's dead now. He'd be older than 18 now.
Again, as per usual, sorry this is jumping and goes from topic to topic, but that's my brain.
Don't worry yourself, if anyone's actually reading this. I'll never commit suicide. No matter how much I tell you I want to, I still have that stupid relentless hope inside me. And I have something that makes me happy for a fraction of a second now. One Direction. I smile when I see their faces or hear their music. They're there for me when everyone else is pushing me down. Even though they don't even know I'm alive, they're always there.
xx~Emily
Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
On the controversial side of that argument, no one understands how much I care. How fitting I actually am to care for humanity, even when the dark side of my brain takes over. So many people seem to think that I'm just blatantly removed from my feelings, and they just don't realize that's only a front I put up. I'm such a good actress that sometimes I manage to convince myself I don't care. When in all actuality I struggle through my everyday life with a broken heart, one that I'm afraid just won't be fixed. Ever. I have this sense of loneliness that's so heavy that when I'm alone in my room at night, it crushes me. And that's when I allow myself to cry. If you've ever seen me cry, consider yourself lucky. I only cry in front of people when I'm so broken I can't take it anymore, when the bottle I keep my feelings in overflows. By myself I cry every day. But I can't let you see that, I can't let anyone see that. That's weakness. And I cannot allow myself to show weakness. That's when someone can come in and truly break me. And no one's done that yet. But I have this foreboding sense of fear that someday someone will. And my worst fear will be realized, I'll be broken beyond repair and stranded in a desolate wasteland of useless things. I'm already useless anyways, I have no talents. I don't really have any friends if you think about it. You're kidding yourself if you think Zackey's really my friend. If you think I'm really on his list of priorities. Dylan, Hunter, and Ashley come first, and so does Lauren, and Nicole, and the list just continues. So many people come before me it's not even effective to tell me I'm on the list. Maybe I am, but I'm not up there high enough to matter. I'm not on anyone's list.
I wonder if anyone has ever sat down and thought about me. Wondered what I think when I see them, wondered if I ever think about them. Because I do that every day, for every person I see throughout the monotonous hell hole I am forced to call life. They don't, of course, I'm just another face that blends into a crowd. Average. Forgotten. Lost. Replaced. Gone. Ugly. Fat. Horrible. Talentless. Unloved. Forever Alone. Lonely. Average. Forgotten. Lost. Replaced. Gone. Ugly. Horrible. Talentless. Unloved. Forever Alone. Lonely. The process just repeats itself all throughout my head when I'm awake, when I can't escape to my dreams where anything is possible and I look the way I wish I could. When I look into a mirror and don't see twelve thousand flaws. When in actuality, when I look in a mirror I see nothing but hatred as the tears slide down my face. If I could take a knife, and cut off my stomach, and cut off my face, and just watch myself bleed, I would. If I weren't such a goddamn coward, I would. If I weren't so hopelessly optimistic that something better will come along, I'd retreat into my kitchen, pick up the butcher knife, and end it right now. But I don't, because no matter how much I try to push myself down, suppress the thoughts, there's always some twisted hope that bubbles up in the midst of the hatred and screams <i>"You'll be okay. It'll get better."</i> <b>"No."<b> My brain screams, <b>"No it won't."</b> but the hope survives the constant lashing, and still screams in my times of horrid depression. Those times at night when I go to bed. That's why I'm afraid of the night, by the way. I'm afraid of the insecurities and memories it screams and throws at me. I'm afraid of the way it breaks me with its never ending darkness swallowing me up and drowning me slowly. I'm afraid that I'll survive the darkness and wake up in the morning. I'm afraid that I'll have to pick up the broken pieces of myself and carry them through yet another monotonous day.
I wonder if anyone's ever sat down and thought about the world like I do. Thought about all the hate and the suffering, and just wishing you could give them your life in return. Because I would. I'd give myself up for a random stranger. I'd let death sink its claws into me just to save the life of someone I don't know. Because I don't value myself, and I don't see why I'm alive. I have no purpose, no point. I'm as useless as a book without pages. Worthless. I wonder if anyone has ever cried sometimes, just thinking of the lives other people have to lead. I wonder if anyone's ever worried about having a house, or food like I have. Maybe not the food, because I've always had food. But the house. I had my house yanked out from underneath me when I was 8. I had my best friend taken away and my life torn away. All because of a bad business deal. I've had to worry about having enough money. Because no matter how hard my parents tried to hide it from me, I was far too intelligent. I always have been. I saw how we were living from paycheck to paycheck. I heard the relentless screaming downstairs as my parents fought about my father's drinking habits and money spending, and how we'd have money to pay rent after we lost the house. I felt the tears sliding down my face when I realized I'd have to give away my dog, and my room, and my farm where I raised sheep. People say sheep are ignorant animals, but trust me, when you've bottle fed one since birth and watched it grow, when you trained it to follow you around and sit with its head on your shoulder as you read to it, like I did, you'd see just how smart they are. I had to let go of my comfort for 8 years. Living just a few steps from my grandparents, living in a small one-road town where I knew everyone and my mom actually let me step outside at night. Where I live now isn't dangerous, trust me, it's just my mom's thought process. I gave up everything except my possessions. And even then I had to sell some of it because we didn't have room. And I moved into a little apartment for two years before I moved to wear I am now. I'm not going to complain about the apartment, it wasn't that bad, there were horses out beside me, and Zackey lives there now. The apartment itself wasn't what bugged me. It was the fact that I had to be there. That I was there instead of being home. And then I drove past my home one day, only to discover it occupied. The flowerbed ripped up by a chain link fence. The barn where I kept my sheep torn down, the dog pen ripped apart. My swing was gone and a pool consumed my old sheep lot. I talked to the kid that lived there, he went to the same school as me. My room, my old pink room with a gorgeous mural of a garden and horses that my mom took so much time to paint me, was painted over purple and they used it as a feeding room for their five dogs, who probably ripped up the rest of my house. The silence that overtook me when the kid told me that was deafening. I felt violated, and sometimes I still do whenever I drive past my house. Yeah, I still call it my house. In my opinion, I have two homes. The one where I live now, and the one that made me who I am today, the one that I grew up in. I know this probably seems pointless to you. Why do I care so much about a house? I just do. I care about the memories, and I care about the fact that I did not get to see my best friend live out his life because I had to give him away. He's dead now. He'd be older than 18 now.
Again, as per usual, sorry this is jumping and goes from topic to topic, but that's my brain.
Don't worry yourself, if anyone's actually reading this. I'll never commit suicide. No matter how much I tell you I want to, I still have that stupid relentless hope inside me. And I have something that makes me happy for a fraction of a second now. One Direction. I smile when I see their faces or hear their music. They're there for me when everyone else is pushing me down. Even though they don't even know I'm alive, they're always there.
xx~Emily
Come on Get Higher - Matt Nathanson
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