Yesterday was fun. Really, it was. I've been re-doing my room for a while, making it less girly and more sophisticated because I got tired of having purple and green walls. They're white and teal now.
Anyway, I designed my room myself and the back wall where my window is, across from the entry door, has been converted to a big bookshelf wall. Well, one side of the window anyway. Just beneath the window there will be a window seat, and a bookshelf to the right and left of the window seat.
I spent a large majority of yesterday afternoon organizing my books and putting them in the bookshelf, which took a while. I don't have as many books as I thought I did, though. And in the middle of me putting my books away, Matt came over. He kept correcting me whenever I put a book in the wrong place. He's such a smartass sometimes, but I love him anyways.
Then, Matt and I went and saw Finding Nemo in 3D. I've never seen a 3-D movie before, it's pretty fantastic. I jumped twice, I think, during the previews because I wasn't used to things popping out. Before the movie we ate dinner at Wendy's and discussed the possibility of making hamburgers from human body parts. It was kinda a running joke because by the order counter, they had wooden display windows that you could tell folded out because they had hinges at the bottom. Matt looked at them and commented that they were kinda weird, so I replied "Yes, because that's where they hide the bodies." He pointed to the bottom compartments, which were separate squares, and said that's where the heads went, and the bodies went in the long rectangular one at the top. I agreed and told him that the hamburgers were best made out of fingers, but leg stumps worked as well.
After the movie we went back to my house, which was at, like 10 or so, and watched last week's Doctor Who episode. I always love watching things at my house on my couch, that's when I can put my head on his shoulder. I've been dating him for almost 7 months and I just now started putting my head on his shoulder. It took me a while to get him slowly warmed up to the idea. The first time he came over to my house he sat on the opposite end of the couch as me and wouldn't get near me. Then over the next few times he came over, he got closer and closer and eventually he got to where he'd sit right beside me, and then I slowly started leaning closer to him so he'd get accustomed to it, and then one night I just said "Tell me if this bugs you" and I put my head on his shoulder. He didn't say a word and I've been doing it ever since. He's always warm and has amazing shoulders, if that makes sense. You know how some people have really bony shoulders? He doesn't. And, pardon me if this sounds really creepy, but he smells amazing. He always has. It makes my head kinda swim whenever I get too close to him. That's one of the four things I love about people, male or female since I can go either way. I love eyes, hands, collarbones, and the way they smell. Don't ask, I know I have weird tastes.
Matt has amazing eyes. He always complains about how his eyelashes are too long, and they are really really long, but I like them. He has stormy blue-gray eyes that are just fantastic looking. I dunno, I could talk for hours about the finer points of his face, or the way he can't keep his legs still and he's always shaking one of them, or the way he face looks while he's concentrating on something. Or his smile that just kills me, especially when something I say is the reason he's smiling. He has this loud, obnoxious laugh that is the most adorable thing I've ever heard in my life.
I have this little test for people that I think I like, I kinda got it from 'How I Met Your Mother,' but it is a really effective test. It's called the 'Front Porch Test,' where you imagine how that person fits in with the fantasy of sitting on your front porch with the people you love when you're older. Matt fits right into that picture.
You know what's scary, though? Zackey doesn't. At least not recently he doesn't. I can't picture him on that porch. He's...drifting. I know I've said that before and I turned out to be completely wrong, but it's really making sense this time. He barely talks to me, and compared to how little he talked to me before, it's practically not at all now. He even said the other day that he only talks to four people. Guess what, I wasn't on the list. He said to me once recently that he was trying to meet new people because I was spending too much time with Matt. But what he doesn't understand is that I was spending that much time with Matt because he was pushing me away. He has been for a while now. Slowly, subtly, but I can see it now. He only talks to me when he's upset. I thought he was my best friend, but he's just like everyone else. He only wants me around when I have something to offer him, usually comfort. He only wants me there when he's upset and when he's done feeling upset he pushes me back into the wings to wait for whenever he needs me again. I feel like he's lying to me all the time now, too. He keeps telling me I'm his best friend and I'm so important to him but then he just doesn't even act like it all. He tells everyone else so many things, but he doesn't tell me anything. And he's so lovey and hug-y to the people around him in the morning at school, and then he just kinda looks at me, tells me hello, and then turns his back to me and starts talking to someone else.
I came to the realisation a long time ago that he's only my friend for convenience. I kept telling myself that that couldn't be it, he wouldn't be that selfish, but I feel like it's true now. Like he's only my friend because I'm the only person in this town that doesn't hurt him or doesn't leave him, but he'd much rather be friends with anyone else, which is why he talks to people from the Internet over Skype more than he talks to me, because I'm only here for convenience. Like a dog that you call into the house to lick your tears away when you're sad, but when the tears are gone you send him back outside to be alone, then you call him back when you need him again, and then you send him away. And that dog, because he's loyal and trustworthy, he always comes back. Always.
I'm so tired of being that dog. Sure, someone might find the loyal-ness and trustworthiness admirable, but it sucks when you are the dog. Sure, the person that owns the dog and keeps calling them back into the house might appreciate that the dog's there, but they don't really care. They wouldn't send the dog back outside if they really cared. They just want the dog to make the tears go away and that's all the dog is good for.
I'm so tired of that being how I live my life. That's why I spend most of my time with Matt. Because Zackey pushed me away and because Matt doesn't send me away. Matt's the kind of person who doesn't even need the dog, but he keeps it in the house all the time, just because that's who Matt is. He's genuine and he's not selfish. He doesn't tell people what they want to hear, he tells them what he's thinking. And he rarely gives out compliments or says or does anything cute, so when he does it, you know it's genuine.
Zackey thinks I'm happier with Matt, and in some ways I am. Matt doesn't hurt me the way Zackey does. Matt does in his own way, the way that I'm a hopeless romantic and it kills me to keep it locked up inside me because he doesn't feel the same way, but that's not his fault. He's just not that kind of person.
Zackey, on the other hand, has a habit of inadvertently making me feel worthless and unwanted and used. But what he doesn't understand is that, just like that dog, I always come back. And I always will. Because I care. I will always care. He might think I'm better off with just Matt, and maybe I am in some ways, but Matt isn't my best friend. He's my boyfriend and he's the person I love, but he's not my best friend. Zackey is. Zackey always will be. He's the person who I cry in front of because I refuse to cry in front of anyone else and he's the person I can talk to about anything and anyone any time I want, unless he's not replying or not talking to me, which he has a habit of doing all the time. And it sucks being me right now because I have no one else. Zackey is my only friend, he's my best friend, and he's the only person I need, but he's not there for me. He's not here for me at all. He's not Matt, and Matt's not him, Those are two different, exclusive relationships with different perks and different downfalls.
What suck even more is that I know I'm that damn dog. And just like that dog, it hurts being sent away and being used and I know that's happening to me, but I keep coming back anyways because I care too much. And I'm sitting here alone in my room crying all by myself and I have no one to go to. I can't go to Matt because he wouldn't understand and he's pretty shit at comforting because he doesn't doesn't relate to people. He asks when something's wrong and I think it's so sweet. But I always tell him nothing because pretty much anything that's wrong with me would take lots of back stories and it takes too long to tell and I can't let him see how broken I am. He wouldn't understand what to do with that information. And I can't tell Zackey because he's the problem and he has his own problems and I don't even know whether he'd even care or not.
Zackey acts like the world's out to get him but what he doesn't seem to understand is that the world is full of people who care too much about him and he has a habit of being an asshole to them. And he'll sit there and tell you he's a jackass and he's a douche or whatever. But talk is cheap, and if he can admit it, he should be able to just stop acting like it if he knows he's like that, right? Right. But he doesn't. It's like he's happy being that way and he's happy pushing people away and he's happy being miserable because he makes himself that way.
He's told me before that I've saved his life and he'll rant to me every once in a while that I'm his best friend and he loves me and he cares and whatever else he says. And it means so much to me, but those comments don't mean much if he goes back to ignoring me and pushing me away the next day. Sorry to use the dog metaphor again, but it works in this situation. You give the dog a treat sometimes, and that makes them the happiest dog in the world and it means so much and they start to think that maybe this time it will be different, maybe you won't send the dog outside again and maybe you'll keep him in the house and maybe he's finally found his best friend and maybe, maybe, maybe. But then you give the dog his treat and you-cand anyone guess where this is going?-you send him back outside. You give him the treat to make him happy and you give him a false sense of security and then you just send him back outside again.
I just. I don't know what to do and I'm so done. Most people's problems these days are that they don't care enough about the people around them. I care too much. And it sucks. Trust me when I tell you how much it sucks. It's a pain in the ass and it makes me cry and it makes me clingy and I just-I can't even put into words how much it hurts being the way I am and knowing no one will ever care the way I do. And I'm not going to sit here and complain like a drama queen the way I know I tend to do and I'm not going to sit here and tell you how much my life sucks and blah blah blah. I told you I was doing better and I am, but I'm just so tired of this.
xx~Emily
Marry Me - Train
No comments:
Post a Comment